In the fall of 2008 I was transplanting fruit trees with our Suburban, pregnant with our 8th child. I looked for our 17-month old Joshua, saw that he was away from the vehicle, then pulled forward to get the next tree. In a panic, I realized what had happened. I ran over our Joshua. I lived the next hour nonstop in my brain for the next 8 months.
My husband Barry followed an ambulance home from work that day. Joshua died before he got there. I lived in Hell on earth. I woke up every morning and functioned. But just barely. I wanted to die. I read in my Bible, “Abel’s blood crieth to me from the ground.” The next day I read “hands that shed innocent blood.” I stopped reading my Bible. “Oh, God, Help me!” was all I could pray and I prayed it without ceasing. My husband was dealing with losing his son and his wife. I was gone. Checked out. Unavailable for conversations or reality. If someone said Joshua’s name I had to leave the room.
I thought of the accusations I would have thrown at Barry if the situation had been reversed. I knew what would have happened if Barry ever said anything like that to me. I was so fragile and had totally lost my will to live. I would have just curled up and died. He never did. He never even hinted at anything like that. He was strong. He just loved me.
A couple of months after the rest of the world resumed a normal life, Barry read John 6:16-21. The disciples were in the boat, and in the next verse “they were on the other side.” God showed Barry that He would get me to the other side. I would be healed. Barry didn’t tell me. He just kept silently, gently loving me. Mother’s day weekend, God healed me. I can’t explain it other than He re-wrote the bad coding in my brain. He took the ruts in my brain that had been running that same movie in my mind and filled them with His Spirit. The movie stopped. I wanted to live again. I was with my family again. I could hear Joshua’s name and I could talk about him again. My sweet husband, through his patience, love, and faith, got his wife back. My respect for this man soars when I think of how strong he was when I needed him most.
God has been so faithful to our family for getting us through such a horrific event. He has indeed fully restored our joy. And we are forever grateful!
We have all had traumatic events in our lives to one extent or another. We pray the following would be helpful:
Learn to take your thoughts captive. The enemy doesn’t play fair and will kick you when you’re down. This is Spiritual Warfare at its finest. You have to be an overcomer and it will take some work.
You need people praying for you, praying specifically according to your needs and your situation.
Cry out to God in prayer. He will hear and He will answer. I look back at my time in the darkness, and I knew God was going to turn the light on. And He will for you, too. Cry out to Him!
Talk to someone close to you: a spouse, a friend, your pastor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Rejoice when He restores you!